Has It Been That Long?

It has definitely been far too long since I've written anything for this blog. The reason? It was, by far, the most stressful year of teaching yet for me. Granted, it was only my third year, but I had hoped things would have gotten easier...partly because of the experience gained in the first two years, but mainly because I had started dealing head-on with my ADD.

Or so I thought.

Yes, I started taking medication for this disability (and make no mistake, it IS disabling), and yes, I knew that medication wasn't going to be the only answer for me. Perhaps if I'd have started taking the medication back before my brain stopped making all those wonderful connections that most people take for granted. But there's no sense dwelling in the "what ifs?" I am where I am now, and that is what I need to deal with.

I guess I'm still struggling with the "how" when it comes to living with ADD. How do I do my job effectively when I can't keep my papers organized? How do I create the quality lessons that my students deserve when I can't stay focused long enough on any one subject? How can I maintain a well-organized classroom and a clean, organized apartment? (it seems to be one or the other; I choose the classroom)

The medication helps mostly in providing me with some much-needed energy. I've always felt very lethargic moving through my life; it's nice to be awake for it. But the meds have not really helped me maintain the focus I had hoped for. I plan on talking to my doctor about this when I see her next, perhaps a different medication would work better. The side effect that was most unexpected has been a tremendous reduction in the amount and severity of the migraines I have been plagued with all of my life. What a welcome relief!

So, if the medication isn't going to be the "cure-all" I had secretly hoped for, then what do I do next? Clearly I need to learn how to get - and keep - myself organized so that I can function on a day-to-day basis. That is one of my main goals for this summer...figuring out how to organize my life, both professional and personal, in such a way that I'll be able to maintain that organization throughout the school year. That will be the challenge.

Now that I think about it, this should probably be my main goal for the summer. If I can manage to get organized, everything else should fall in line. Right?

And here is where I ask for your help, because I most definitely need help with this one. What do you do to keep yourself organized? Do you have any tips you can share? Articles you've read that would be helpful? Websites that will miraculously organize my entire life for me? If you have anything that you think might be helpful, I would be most appreciative of the information.

Time to Teach

I made it through my first week of teaching while taking ADHD medication. At the end of the week, all I can say is I'm pretty sure the dosage isn't high enough. I'm noticing that when I'm more than a little tired the medication doesn't have as much of an effect. If you're a teacher, you know "more than a little tired" is a perpetual state. When I see my doctor in a couple of weeks, I'll talk to her about increasing the dosage.

But the one thing I definitely experienced all week was a feeling of being present in my own life. It's as if I've been sleepwalking through my entire life, and I'm finally starting to wake up. Life is still a little fuzzy, maybe even a little dark, but I know the dawn will be here soon.


Photo: yavapai sunrise

Now That's Interesting

When I was a child we knew nothing about ADHD. Even if we did I'm sure no one would have picked out that small, quiet girl in the back of the classroom, the one who got straight A's, as a child at risk. I never gave anyone cause for concern because I never caused any trouble. If I knew then what I know now, I would have started yelling and throwing things until someone paid attention.

The fact that I used to stare off into space for several minutes at a time should have been cause for concern. Not only was that an indication of an attention issue (not a daydreaming child), it could also indicate problems with seizures. When I was a child I called these moments "the staresies." I hated them because I felt out of control. As I got older, "the staresies" continued and I would often try to wake myself up from these lapses in time. Sometimes I was successful, most of the time I was not.

The worst part for me was after I would snap out of it. It was then that I realized I had no memory of any real conscious thought during that time period. It was just wasted time. How many minutes in a day have I lost to "the staresies"? How many days? Weeks? Years? Perhaps I shouldn't think about it.

"The staresies" didn't become truly frightening, however, until I learned to drive. I have no control over these space-outs, and since they happen several times a day it was inevitable that they would happen while I was behind the wheel of a car. How scared are you now? Because I can assure you I'm not the only one who suffers with this. Have I been in car accidents? Yes. Were they a result of "the staresies"? I don't believe so. But I'm sure we can all agree that when you're driving a car you need to be ever present. Are you still talking on a cellphone while you drive?

Flash forward to day number two on medication. I ran a few errands today and tried to check in with myself at various points during my travels to see if I noticed anything new. I am happy to report...no, let me rephrase that. I am ecstatic, even overjoyed, to report that "the staresies" seem to be dissipating. Even while I was driving I didn't have a true space-out, only one or two moments of fogginess. That's huge, my friends! Huge!

So it is safe to drive in Northern California again. Well, at least while I'm on the road.

Photograph: Daydreamer

I'm Not Lazy

One of the issues I've struggled with throughout my life, is a rather profound sense of lethargy. Some days I just couldn't get myself up off the couch to do the chores that needed to get done (this is why no one is allowed to visit me at my apartment unannounced; I need at least a week's notice, please). I know I'm not lazy, but I've often wondered if friends and family had other ideas.

A few years ago, when I was first exploring the issue of ADHD and how it might relate to me, I came upon this great book, You Mean I'm Not Lazy, Stupid or Crazy?! by Kate Kelly and Peggy Ramundo. I have not yet read the book; I started to several times but it was just too overwhelming for me to continue with it. But I absolutely love the title! I now have it strategically placed in my bedroom so I will see it each morning. It is a reminder to myself that I am not to blame for this. The neuro-psychologist I saw for testing this summer used a great line that I repeat to myself every day: "ADHD is not a behavior issue; it is a brain issue."

I say this line every day not just for myself, but as a reminder to Miss McMillan, the teacher, to be patient with my ADHD students; to remember that they are not choosing to act out, they are ruled by their brain. Aren't we all?

So, back to me. Yesterday, my first day of medication, I did several loads of laundry. Normally it takes several days for me to get my clean laundry folded and put away (if it happens at all!) Last night I walked into my bedroom to get ready for bed, and I noticed the full laundry basket still sitting there. Looking back on it now, it was very strange. I didn't even think about it. I just walked over to the basket and started folding and putting things away. That never happens! It is always an agonizing chore to get laundry done.

To quote my favorite Kaiser Permanente commercial, "Things are lookin' up!"

One final note. As I was leaving my neuro-psychologist's office after my first appointment, he said something that brought me to tears. He said, "I want you to know that you are most definitely not stupid!" Finally, I'm starting to believe that.


Photograph: Bruce Sleepy

Let's Begin!

I have struggled with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) all of my life. I managed. I coped. I got by. All without help or even a diagnosis. I always knew something was wrong, I just never knew what it was. I knew I could be so much more, I just didn't know how to get there.

I have wanted to be a teacher since I sat in Mr. Fambrini's fifth grade class thinking, "I want to be just like Mr. Fambrini!" But, even though I managed to be quite successful in all of my academic endeavors, I never felt smart. Actually, to be quite honest, I always felt I was too stupid to be a teacher. I got straight A's in school, but considered myself stupid. That is the main reason, probably the only reason, why it took me 40 years to achieve the dream that little fifth grade girl had. I am almost 45 years old now, and have just started my third year of teaching.

I'm starting something else this year. I'm finally starting to deal with this disability of mine! Over the summer I began the process of getting tested for ADHD. I've been very lucky in that I have wonderful doctors who really know their stuff. They haven't always told me what I wanted to hear, but they gave me the information and support that I need in order to move forward.

I received my "official" diagnosis just a few short weeks ago and followed that up with a check-up with my regular physician. When putting an adult on ADHD medications, there are other factors to consider. I had to have an EKG to get a baseline reading on my heart; most of these medications are stimulants and we don't want to do any damage to my heart. Also, because my blood pressure didn't exactly make my doctor happy, she wanted me to take some blood pressure meds before getting started on ADHD medication. It meant another week of waiting, but I knew it was the right decision. I wasn't happy about it. I was getting ready for the first day of school, and I so wanted to get on the ADHD medication to help me get focused and organized for the year ahead. But I followed my doctor's orders.

So, here I am. It is my very first day of taking Adderall for my ADHD. I know it may take a few days or more for me to truly feel the effect, but for once in my life I am feeling hopeful. And what an amazing feeling that is!

There are some physical sensations to report. A slight heaviness, if you will, in the front of my brain. Could that be all the information and ideas that are finally reaching my frontal lobe like they're supposed to? This may sound strange, but I feel lighter somehow. As if it's easier to move around. I especially noticed this when I walked up and down the stairs at my apartment.

But the best thing I can share with you so far: I was on the phone with a friend earlier, listening to her describe the struggles of working at a disadvantaged school, and I heard every word! Actually, it's more like I was present for every word! Those few moments of conversation with a dear friend have me more excited than anything I've experienced in a very long time.

I know the medication isn't the only thing I need to do to deal with this disability. And I'm working on my organizational skills. That has been a major issue since I started teaching. Last year, as a second-year teacher, the lack of organizational skills almost led me to quit teaching. I was so overwhelmed with all that we need to do as teachers, and I just couldn't get my brain to find a way out of the mess that had become my life.

Thankfully for me, I have a wonderfully supportive and caring boss. She has been there to support me, to reassure me, and to guide me. I don't think she'll ever know how much I truly appreciate all that she has done for me. I am so grateful. I am so blessed.

And so I begin a new journey in my life. I've spent a great deal of time this morning thinking of the butterfly. After a lifetime of struggling to achieve, it is reborn into a new and beautiful life. Today I finally feel like that beautiful butterfly, beginning again for the first time.

I am feeling somewhat nervous about sharing this journey with everyone, somewhat hopeful for what lies ahead of me, ready for the work I need to do, and very excited at the prospect of a New Beginning.


Photographs:
Struggle
Butterfly